Actual Exchanges Between Pilots And Control Towers.

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise reduction turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f-ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f-ing bored, not f-ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Radio mirchi

Ramu calls up The Radio Station

Ramu : Hello is this the Radio Station?

RJ      : Yes sir! You are our first caller! Congratulations! Your name?

Ramu : Yeah I'm Ramu. Is this the morning show with Karan? Am I audible to the whole city?

RJ      : Haan sir! The whole city can hear Yu!

Ramu : My sister is at home and she is listening to the radio. Can she hear my voice ?

RJ      : Yeah! Obvious! Sir tell me what msg Yu wanna convey?

Ramu : Hey Padma if Yu can hear my voice, plz go switch on the pump!
             I'm in the toilet in the room upstairs and there's no water here! I called your cell it's switched off! I had no other option

RJ      : Wtf?

Radio mirchi

Ramu calls up The Radio Station

Ramu : Hello is this the Radio Station?

RJ      : Yes sir! You are our first caller! Congratulations! Your name?

Ramu : Yeah I'm Ramu. Is this the morning show with Karan? Am I audible to the whole city?

RJ      : Haan sir! The whole city can hear Yu!

Ramu : My sister is at home and she is listening to the radio. Can she hear my voice ?

RJ      : Yeah! Obvious! Sir tell me what msg Yu wanna convey?

Ramu : Hey Padma if Yu can hear my voice, plz go switch on the pump!
             I'm in the toilet in the room upstairs and there's no water here! I called your cell it's switched off! I had no other option

RJ      : Wtf?

Surgeon and engineer

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - Librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try Electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer Lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says,
"I like Engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

How to kill an ant

"How to Kill an Ant??", The Question asked in an Exam for 15 Marks!!

I Answered The Question As Below.

Mix Chilli Powder with Sugar & keep It Outside the Ant's Hole..!

After eating, Ant will Search for some Water near a Water Tank. Then Push Ant in to it..!!

Now Ant will go to Dry itself Near Fire, When it Reaches fire, Put a Bomb into the fire..!!

Then Admit Wounded Ant in ICU..!!

And Then Remove Oxygen Mask from it's Mouth and Kill the Ant.. !!

MORAL: Don't Play with me.. !! I can do any thing for 15 Marks..

Auto correct

A man received message from his neighbour.

Sorry sir I am using your wife.

I am using day and night.

I am using when u r not present at home.

In fact I am using more than U R using.

I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.

Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.

Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.

Few minutes later he received another massage.

Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...

It's not wife but wi-fi.

Don't copy if u can't paste!

A famous inspirational speaker said:

"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"

Audience was in shock and silence..

He added: "she was my mother"

A big round of applause & laughter!

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home

After a dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:

"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"

standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker "she was my mother"

By the time he gained his senses,

He was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!

Moral: Don't copy if u can't paste!